"Both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs... as much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems -- and in one of the candidates' cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism -- then suppository away."
-- Jon Stewart

"There's so much water. You don't know what to do with it. You know, it's called rain. It rains a lot in certain places. But now, their idea, you know, did you see the other day? They just, I opened it up and they closed it again. I opened it, they close, washing machines to wash your dishes. There is a problem. They don't want you to have any water. They want no water."
-- Trump

"Donald Trump is the George Washington of our moment."
-- Vivek Ramaswamy

"Together, we stood up to the communists, Marxists, and fascists to defend religious liberty like no other president has ever done. And I have the wounds all over my body. If I took this shirt off you'd see a beautiful, beautiful person but you'd see wounds all over me. I've taken a lot of wounds, I can tell you. More than, I suspect, any president ever."
-- Trump, speaking to Faith & Freedom Coalition

"Talk about being a dictatorship, this is what's happening under Biden...Under Joe Biden we're actually living under a dictatorship right now."
-- Gov. Doug Burgum

"Don't allow the worst president in the history of our country to come back and do the final destruction of America."
-- Trump

"[Trump is] going to bring his optimism that he's been bringing to the campaign trail over the past several months."
-- Trump spokesperson Karoline Leavitt on the upcoming debate

"He can't stand for 90 minutes -- but he's 100% able to be President? Have fun explaining that."
-- Sen. Josh Hawley on Biden

"In three words: Franklin Delano Roosevelt...From his wheelchair President Franklin Delano Roosevelt forced Adolf Hitler in Berlin to commit suicide in his bunker as the allies, commanded by Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, were closing in..."
-- MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell

"I am going to win this election by a f***ing landslide. I always did things my way. And I always win, no matter what all these other f***ing people think. And that f***er Biden. He is so f***ing stupid. I am going to kick his f***ing ass in this election."
-- Trump to Dr. Anthony Fauci in phone call from Air Force One, Nov. 1, 2020, two days before the election

"I got indicted more than the legendary Alphonse Capone...He was so mean that if he had dinner with a person and if he didn't like them he would kill the person. They would never find him again. Like Mike Lindell. He wouldn't like Mike. You know why? He's say, 'Those ads, they are driving me crazy! Let's get rid of this guy.' He couldn't stand those ads. Al Capone would take Mike out in two minutes. Mike's beautiful new wife would say, 'What the hell happened to my husband?' He'd never be found. He'd be buried under the World Trade Center."
-- Trump